


Bot I Didn't

by MissE



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Episode: s05e18 Intervention, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-20
Updated: 2011-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-26 08:00:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/280670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissE/pseuds/MissE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy sees a horrific sight while on patrol.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** Don't own or claim rights to Buffy the Vampire Slayer
> 
>  **Notes:** An alternative version to Season 5, episode 18: Intervention

Buffy rounded the mausoleum to see a truly horrific sight. Xander, bent over a tombstone, his pants around his ankles, head tossed back in apparent ecstasy, being royally fucked (and there was no other word for it, Buffy decided) by a bleached-blond, obviously very evil vampire.

“Oh, God, Spikey,” Xander moaned. “Pound me with your man-meat. Give it to me, baby.”

“Oh, yeah, love,” Spike ground out in reply, “I'm givin' it to ya. I'm givin' ya a right poundin', ain't I?”

“Please, Spikey,” Xander whined, “I need you. I need you, Master. Please make me come,” he begged.

“So bloody tight, pet,” Spike growled. “Come for me, Xanny.”

Buffy covered her mouth, feeling more nauseous than even Dawn's last Friday night dessert had made her. She swallowed harshly, and ducked back around the mausoleum to lean against the cool stone wall and concentrate on her breathing. She shuddered, and glanced back when she heard Xander and Spike cry out in matching orgasms, then pushed herself away from the wall. Patrol tonight was a lost cause. There was no way she could concentrate on anything other than the thought of what was happening to her friend. She needed some time to calm down before she could confront him. Lots of time. Lots and lots of time.


	2. Chapter 2

Buffy wandered into her house and dropped down onto the couch. She stared blankly ahead as she attempted to process what she had just seen. The walk home hadn't been long enough to get over it: She was going to need time. And chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

She looked up and shuddered when Xander entered the lounge room. “How could you?” she asked, voice full of loathing.

Xander looked at her blankly, then at the sandwich in his hand. “It's just peanut butter and jelly,” he offered, mystified. “It's not like I let Dawn make it, or anything.”

“I'm talking about before,” Buffy explained, shuddering again. “In the graveyard.”

“When in the graveyard?” Xander asked, tilting his head. “I haven't patrolled in a couple of days.”

“Oh, no, Xander,” Buffy shook her head. “You and I both know that wasn't patrolling. I mean, sure, I've made out with Riley and Angel, both, while on patrol, but I never did that,” she denied, shuddering again.

Xander sat down at the other end of the couch. “Buffy,” he began gently, “I think that your conversation and my conversation are not the same. How about you tell me what your conversation is about, and then we can go from there.”


	3. Chapter 3

“You're…” Buffy began. “You…” she tried again. “Gah! I can't even say it – it's just too horrible for words! How could you?” she demanded, distraught.

Xander set his sandwich down on the coffee table, dusted his hands, and turned to face Buffy. “You have to know,” he began calmly, “that it's really sounding like you think I'm doing something truly horrific, in a graveyard, with someone. Now, I know that you didn't have a problem, or at least nowhere near this level of a problem, with Anya, so it's not that. It does sound kind of sexual, though.” He chewed his lip thoughtfully. “Uh… If it was Dawn, I would already be in pieces, so it's not that. If it was Willow, then you'd probably rip into me about cheating again (which I'm totally not) and how could I do that to Tara. Um, Riley, you'd slap me and warn me off.” Xander made a disgusted face. “Oh, God, Buff!” he made a face. “How could you? How could you think I was … doing that with Giles? In a graveyard?” he shrieked.


	4. Chapter 4

Buffy turned a delicate shade of green. “Oh, God no, Xander,” she protested. “Not Giles. Oh, that is just too weird, though I'm almost wishing it was Giles, 'cause at least he's someone I'd trust you with. I mean, he's all old, and old people shouldn't have sex, 'cause that's just gross, but Willow always said that there was something going on with him and Ethan, but still!”

Xander grinned as he listened to Buffy's babble. “Someone's been spending too much time with Willow,” he teased.

Buffy rolled her eyes, and reached over to poke him in the side.

Xander frowned, then, and went on thoughtfully. “Okay, so not Giles. So you think I was in the graveyard, doing something horrific, yet sexual with someone not Anya, Dawn, Willow, Riley or Giles. Or Tara, but that goes without saying. Um… Not you, either, 'cause it was something you saw. So I guess that only leaves…” Xander's eyes went wide as he realised who the only other candidate was. In a sudden move, he raced to the kitchen, and Buffy heard the sounds of her best male friend retching into (hopefully) the sink.


	5. Chapter 5

Buffy entered the kitchen timidly to see Xander rinsing his mouth out into the sink.

“I'm going to kill him. I don't know what he's done, or how he did it, but I'm going to kill him. Slowly and painfully. I'm going to strap him down and do Chinese Water Torture using Holy Water, then I'm going to dry him off and put him in a East-facing room with a tiny slit of a window open, and see how long it would take for him to burn up all the way. Then I'm going to gather his ashes, and piss on them, then I'm going to, to … think up something else to do to him.”

Buffy opened her eyes at her friend. “Wow, Xan. That's … pretty inventive, there.”

“And you,” Xander exploded, rounding on his (erstwhile) friend. “How could you think that of me? How could you think I would do that? That's … that's … despicable!”

Buffy blushed. “Well, uh, you know it wouldn't really be all that surprising if you, you know, kind of, like, fell for someone. A guy someone,” she clarified. “It's not like we're blind, Xander. You've noticed guys before, and it's not like Spike's ugly, or anything.”

“Well, no,” Xander admitted. “He is strong and mysterious, and sort of compact, but well muscled,” he nodded.

Buffy raised an eyebrow. “You sure you're not having sex with him?”

Xander gaped at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Compact, but well muscled' comment is a canon comment from Xander to Buffy from this episode.


	6. Chapter 6

“Okay,” Buffy nodded, once again seated calmly on her lounge chair. “So Spike is having sex, or appearing to have sex with you.”

“Appearing to have sex,” Xander verified. “There is no really having of Spike-sex with the Xan-man.”

“So you say,” Buffy teased.

Xander glared at the blonde, then took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. “So, what's going on?”

“I don't know,” Willow chirped as she walked into the lounge room. “What is going on?”

“Xander's not having sex with Spike,” Buffy chirped back.

Two pairs of female eyes bore down on the dark-haired man. “So very not,” he added. “Buffy just thinks she saw me having sex with him. In a graveyard, what's more. I never even did that with Anya, and she asked me to. Several times.”

Willow turned to Buffy. “Are you sure it was Xander?”

“Yep. Spike even called him Xanny.” Buffy snorted. “Can you believe that? 'Xanny'?”

“He's dead,” Xander nodded decisively. “He's done something to pretend to have sex with me, and he's calling me 'Xanny'. There is nothing anyone can say to make him not-dead.”

“He's undead,” Willow supplied helpfully. “Not dead.”

“So he'll be real-dead,” Xander scowled.

“It's like a compliment,” Buffy tried. “It means he really likes you.”

“Uh huh,” Xander frowned grimly. “So if it was you he was pretending to screw into the graveyard grass?”

Buffy blinked. “I've got Holy Water in the basement, and a nice big sheet of plastic we can lay down.”


	7. Chapter 7

“Oh, oh,” Willow squeaked. “I know what it is!”

Xander waited, heroically, a moment. “And?” he prompted finally, after a dreadful three microseconds.

“It's a Xander-bot!” Willow announced triumphantly.

Xander paled. “I'm not sure I want an explanation, but I'm pretty sure I need one.”

“You remember April? The sex-bot that Warren made? What if Spike got him to make a Xander-shaped sex-bot?”

Xander sat back against the couch, and closed his eyes. Willow began to talk, but stopped when he held up a finger. Buffy bit her lip in sympathy, then fetched a damp cloth so he could wipe his face. “So Spike has a sex-bot based on me. That's what we're thinking?”

“Um,” Willow began, exchanging a look with Buffy. “Well, yeah, I guess.”

Xander whimpered, and Buffy pulled him close for a comforting hug. Willow sat the other side, and rubbed his back. After a while, he shifted, and the girls sat back, giving him some space. He cleared his throat. “Okay. So what now?”


	8. Chapter 8

Xander-bot entered the house and looked around. “Hello, girls-of-mine,” he greeted cheerily. “Hello, me.” He tilted his head. “Hey,” he chirped, “we are cute!”

Xander looked at his friends. “I'm not like that, am I? Tell me I'm not like that!”

“No, Xander,” Buffy soothed, “you're not like that.”

Xander stood and inspected Xander-bot. “God, it's Toth all over again. Only it's surly-me and chirpy-me. And that's my shirt!” he scowled. “He stole my shirt to put on the Xander-bot! I'm going to kill him,” Xander declared.

“Kill who, surly-me?” Xander-bot asked, curious.

“Spike,” Xander snarled.

“No you won't,” Xander-bot pouted. “Spike is handsome, and evil, and really good at sex, and, besides, Glory has him.”

Willow's eyes widened. “What do you mean 'Glory has him?'”

Xander-bot raised his eyes in thought. “Um, that brainless, bleached bint has got my Master, and is doing countless horrible and painful things to him.”

Xander blinked. “Your Master?” he asked mildly. He inspected his nails. “Spike makes you call him 'Master'?”

“Well,” Xander-bot reasoned, “he is a Master Vampire, and he is a master at -”

Xander kept his hand on the 'bot's mouth. “No one needs to hear what Spike is a master at, unless you're going to say he's a master dickhead. Are you going to say that?”

Xander-bot shook his head.

“Then no one needs to hear it,” Xander decided.


	9. Chapter 9

“So this is where Glory's snake was when I killed it. I think she's somewhere nearby. Okay, so we split up and go looking for the priciest places around here. Uh … Xander with me, Xander-bot with G-ster, uh, Giles,” she corrected hurriedly, wincing at twin scowls from Xander and Giles. “Okay? So let's find the bitch!”

Xander and Buffy were the first to find Glory's building, just as Spike arrived, battered and bleeding, in the elevator. G-ster, uh, Giles and Xander-bot arrived a few minutes later, and launched into battle beside the Slayer and her best male friend.

Xander-bot glanced around and saw Spike slumped in the elevator. “Spikie,” he murmured mournfully as he raced over. He hovered in the door of the elevator, but was called away by Giles' startled cry. He raced over, and grabbed the minion off Giles, but another one hit him with a fallen weapon, tossing him across the room to slump, inactive, to the floor.

Buffy, Xander and Giles chased off the last of the minions, and looked around at the two fallen males, silent and broken. With a sigh, Buffy heft Spike over her shoulder, and walked out into the new dark. Giles and Xander exchanged glances, and moved to collect the sex-bot.


	10. Chapter 10

Xander stood outside Spike's crypt, uncertain what he was going to do. It had sounded so easy to do at Buffy's place. Go in, pretend to be Xander-bot, and find out what Spike had or had not told Glory, but now he was here, it was suddenly so very much more complicated. The vampire had fixated on him to the extent that he had had a very lifelike sex-bot made (although he was a little insulted with the assumed size of his genitalia) and had even dressed him in one of Xander's favourite shirts (which he'd stolen somehow.) He honestly wasn't sure how he was meant to feel about all of it.

He tugged the shirt he'd taken back from Xander-bot, fixed an awed smile on his face, and walked in. Spike was lying on the sarcophagus, an utter mess, from his black eyes to the various cuts, including one that looked like it was from a compound fracture. It was probably just as well the vampire was so injured, because otherwise he was pretty sure he would have picked the deception already. Xander tacked the grin on that bit firmer, and cooed his way through the deception.

When Xander walked out of the crypt, he paused, and looked back. He should be horrified. He had been horrified, completely traumatised, even, when he'd first found out what Spike had done. And the caricature that Xander-bot had turned out to be hadn't helped. Obviously Spike was attracted to him, and had even held his tongue simply because Xander would have been hurt if he hadn't. So where did that leave Xander?

He chewed his lip, then turned around and walked back into the crypt.

“Xan?” Spike whispered.

“So, here's the deal, Bleachy,” Xander began, hopping up to sit beside him. “You get a second chance, this time with the real deal. I don't call you 'Master', you don't call me 'Xanny', and there's no guarantees that this is even going anywhere, 'cause, well, you're a vampire. This will be public, and I'm pretty sure there will be mocking, but a lot of that will be directed at me. I'm sure Buffy's going to have a lot to say about this, but, well, it's my choice.”

Spike pushed himself up onto his elbows. “Xan?”

“I am best friends with the Slayer, a Watcher and two powerful witches, and I'm pretty sure I could even get your Sire to side with me if you mess up.”

Spike tried a small smile, and raised an eyebrow. “Xan?”

Xander leaned forward, and placed his hands either side of Spike's shoulders. He hovered over Spike, his face inches from the vampire's. “You willing to try for the real thing?” he challenged.

“Yeah, pet,” Spike whispered. “Yeah, I am.”

Xander smiled, and closed the gap. He brushed Spike's lips, then pressed harder. When Spike relaxed, and laid back on the sarcophagus, Xander followed him down. When Spike parted his lips, Xander dipped into the cool cavern of his mouth, and began to explore. And when Spike raised a bloodied hand to cup Xander's face, he sighed, and leaned into the caress.

Finally, Xander pulled back, and looked at the other man. “Do you have anything here to help you get better?”

Spike looked around vaguely. “Uh, should do.”

Xander gave him a look, then gently picked him. “Okay. Off home with you. I have blood, a first-aid kit, and a decent place to rest. If you're going to be my boyfriend, I can't have you dusting before I get the chance to find out if you're as good as Xander-bot thinks you are. Oh, and by the way,” he added as he carried the vampire out of the crypt. “You underestimated on Xander-bot.”

Spike glanced up, surprised.

“What?” Xander demanded, blushing faintly. “You didn't think I'd look. Please!”

Spike chuckled. Something good came out of this mess after all.


End file.
